VIRGIN
SACRIFICE FOR WORLD PEACE
TORONTO
– September 11 – To thwart the “New World Order”
media blackout against GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul, on the winter
solstice, a sacred day for pagans, Toronto will play host to the first
ever “Virgin Sacrifice for World Peace”, organized by The
Church of Dimitri of Latter Day Sluts.
“I will personally deflower 7 virgins, each representing one of
the sacred seals of The New Testament’s Book of Revelations. The
breaking of the 7th hymen will release enough energy to breach the time-space
continuum, and overpower the blackout”, said Dimitri The Lover,
otherwise known as “The Prophet” by members of his faith.
The Church of Dimitri of Latter Day Sluts is based on the belief that
The Prophet pelvic-thrusted a slut so hard that his penis accelerated
back in time and impregnated the Virgin Mary. Since it is widely accepted
that Jesus is the son of God, The Prophet therefore asserts that he
is God. He also asserts that the Greeks are God’s “chosen
people”.
“We support The Prophet on his quest to rid the world of war”,
said Jasmine C., a 21 year old philosophy student and proud member of
The Church of Dimitri of Latter Day Sluts. “Being a slut since
my early teens, I am disqualified from the Virgin Sacrifice, but I entered
my gorgeous 18 year old sister. She’s a shy bookworm, but a great
kisser. I wanted her first time to be special. Nothing is more special
than being popped by The Prophet!” When asked how Jasmine knew
her sister was a “great kisser”, she blushed, winked, and
politely asked that her surname be withheld.
Event proceeds will be directed toward building the world’s largest
rotating double headed dildo, to be presented to the American people
for the express purpose of simultaneously silencing both Hillary Clinton
and Ann Coulter. Attendees will also be asked to sign a petition to
repeal Canada Criminal Code Section 296, in that it violates The Prophet’s
free speech rights. The petition will be presented to the hottest bible-thumping
hunk in parliament, Stockwell Day.
The evening also features a sneak peek of Dimitri The Lover’s
upcoming book, Mein Kock, an anti-metrosexual forum, highlighted by
the burning of a metrosexual effigy, and a discussion of Dimitri The
Lover’s controversial seduction program, “Women Worship
You”.
WHEN: Friday December 21, 2007, 8PM
WHERE: TBA
For more information, contact by e-mail at: virgin@dimitrithelover.com
www.churchofdimitri.com