Meeting Announcements

⇒ January 2010


January 13, 2010


As a MEDICAL DOCTOR, Dimitri The Lover is extremely cognizant of the fact that studies have show over 60% of women worldwide suffer from a psychological disorder at some time during their lives. In Canada’s northern climate, January is the worst month of the year for psychological symptoms, primarily because a decrease in the level of sunlight and shortened hours of daylight cause “Seasonal Affective Disorder”. Exacerbated by both the post-holiday psychological letdown from unrealistically high pre-holiday expectations, and the effects of alcohol withdrawal on the neural pathways, this condition causes many women to fall into a MILD REACTIVE DEPRESSION. Therefore, these once proud sluts become insecure and begin to doubt the value of their existing relationships, which even in the best of times are just barely adequate to meet their psychosexual needs.

(As an aside, Dimitri The Lover is contemplating flying up to Alaska in January for the express purpose of seducing a Hot Piece of Arctic Ass: SARAH PALIN. He feels that this year she will be especially vulnerable to partake in an extra-marital affair since her failed VP bid followed by her resignation as governor of Alaska will make her more likely to be looking externally for ego validation. Also, since there is a fair chance she will make a Presidential run in 2012, having her vaginal tundra drilled by a Canadian will just add to her already lengthy foreign policy credentials, such as being able to see Russia from her window.)

Furthermore, the “holidays” give women an opportunity to meet en masse and share relationship horror stories, thereby feeding off of each other’s negative energy and magnifying the true significance of any shortcomings in their men. Dimitri The Lover has studied this phenomenon for the past 15 years and has observed that heavy peer pressure from bitter, jealous, grossly underfucked girlfriends & meddling, substance-abusing, bitchy homosexual male friends, invariably turns happy leg-spreading sluts into sexually insecure and doubtful “fag hags”. The deadly “New Year’s Resolution” is often the final nail in the coffin of any less than idyllic relationship. New Year’s Resolutions are not limited to gym memberships that are bought and forsaken by the spring.

Many of these psychologically weak women have endured a December during which their drunken lovers (primarily “METROSEXUALS” and “JOCKS”), have gone to bed with them, assumed the missionary position, achieved climax in 5 minutes or less; or heaven forbid, could not even maintain an erection due to the feminizing effects of washing down a couple of pounds of turkey with several glasses of alcohol. Nothing makes a horny slut want to upgrade to a better man more than a fat lazy boyfriend or husband smelling of BOOZE AND POULTRY ejaculating with a resounding grunt then falling asleep on top of her, minutes after the act of “lovemaking” commenced.

Rather than feel animosity toward these confused and spiritually void tri-orificed beings, we men must pity them. Let’s face it: no REAL MAN would ever want to be born a woman. There is the CONSTANT TICKING SOUND of the biological time clock because society rarely allows women to age “gracefully”, a natural SEXUAL EXPIRY DATE at the commencement of menopause due to hormone levels dropping off a cliff, the CONSTANT CONCERN about getting pregnant, an OCCASIONAL FEAR of being raped, a HUGE RISK of catching venereal diseases (more than 20x the risk of a man), SOME SUPPOSED RISK of catching HIV (ZERO RISK for heterosexual males), and worst of all: ONE WEEK OUT OF EVERY MONTH A WOMAN’S PANTIES LOOK LIKE A CRIME SCENE !!! This latter fact is very important for seduction purposes in that women go through vaginal hemocatharses and subsequent psychosomatic renewals on a monthly basis.

NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS: Dimitri The Lover has found that it is the time right after a woman’s period ends in the month of January when she feels more “renewed” than any other time during the year. It is the time she is most likely to be looking to UPGRADE HER LOVER to one more worthy of her affections. From the first day after her period up until a few days after her mid-cycle ovulation, her innate sex drive, while stymied due to the MILD REACTIVE DEPRESSION mentioned previously, will nonetheless gradually increase. Simultaneously, her self-esteem has been systematically eroded since mid-December by constant reminders of her inadequacy through a bombardment of advertising from “fitness clubs”. Also, no matter how sexy she is, her clothes no longer fit comfortably because she likely gained a few pounds over the “holidays” from pigging out and due to water retention caused by high carbohydrate, salt, and alcohol consumption. Weight control is further exacerbated by a lowered metabolism from a lack of sex.

And this year she is even more insecure due to fear of job loss, worldwide economic collapse, falling home prices, decimated stock portfolios, etc. She needs to feel good about herself again and in her highly impressionable state she will believe VIRTUALLY ANYTHING that comes out of ANY MAN’S mouth, provided it is delivered as smoothly and with as straight a face as that of a government official defending the high death rate of the flu vaccine relative to the low death rate of the weak H1N1 virus strain.

As mentioned above, approximately 1-2 weeks after her period ends a woman is ovulating and therefore horny as hell and ready to jump on the first clean, polite penis that comes her way. It is at this point that any half-decent looking man will be successful in seducing her, provided he knows WHAT to say and HOW to say it. Millions of these ovulations are scheduled to occur throughout the city of Toronto in the month of January, so any time during that month is a great time for a REAL MAN with the right set of SEDUCTION TOOLS to get laid! Also, because these women are suffering from a combination of MILD REACTIVE DEPRESSION and HORNINESS, they don’t have the energy to fight off persistent and repeated advances. They will give in to any assertive, determined man and bend over quicker than the newly elected Barack Obama did for the Federal Reserve, Wall Street, New World Order, Military Industrial Complex, & Global Warming Cultists!

So the theme of our next TORONTO REAL MEN meeting is “CRY ON MY SHOULDER WHILE I FONDLE YOU”. It will feature Dimitri The Lover lecturing for 3 solid hours on WHERE to find depressed women who have just dumped their boyfriends/husbands and HOW to approach them in a manner that evokes concern for their plight yet simultaneously takes advantage of it. Dimitri The Lover will teach you how to DETECT women who are suffering from a combination of holiday blues and a lack of sufficient cock, CHARM them by employing an approach which capitalizes on their highly impressionable psychological state, SEDUCE them through the utilization of proven techniques that he has developed over time, and then sexually ENSLAVE them through the employment of magical thought protocols which portray you as both their saviour and a conduit to their sexual salvation and renewal. By the time you are done with them these sluts will be convinced that the quickest medical cure for their catatonic psychological state is to be immunized with YOUR SEMEN-BASED VACCINE !!!

PLEASE NOTE: The Church of Dimitri of Latter Day Sluts does not condone seducing women that are married, but The Prophet decrees the matrimonial moratorium be lifted every January as a community service to all those underfucked, depressed housewives throughout the Greater Toronto Area. Our government-funded health care system is overburdened, so providing sexual treatment to these women helps keep them out of physicians’ offices and off of psychotropic medications, thereby saving the taxpayers money. Furthermore, when Dimitri The Lover practiced medicine much of his time was spent providing cock-based psychotherapy to depressed housewives. His weekly HOT BEEF INJECTIONS were approaching an almost 100% success rate in tapering women off toxic medications when he was rudely COCKBLOCKED by the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario after two uptight FEMINAZI CUNTS with sexual abuse histories complaining he “hugged” them inappropriately!

Meeting Announcements

⇒ January 2010